Good Riddance 2016

2016. I think i'm ashamed to say that this year has come with more hardship-than happiness. That alone frustrates me, because by nature i'm optimistic and i don't want think otherwise. Did i mention that i'm also prideful. But really though, much good has happened, but it's been so hard to see it (hence the hardship part). I still have a testimony, yet it has been clouded and difficult to find at times. Basically- challenging on all levels. I have great love for God, Christ and my family. I've recognized that during difficult times I seek more earnestly reassurance and peace in order to move forward, which is normal, right? My challenge has been moving forward even when I don't want to. I want to believe (and feel) that I have faith and inner joy and trust the Holy Ghost. I guess as mortals, that's our whole purpose- to remember who we really are and that we do have joy. Knowing who we are is so important. The devil wants us to be confused and forget this eternal doctrine. It's so basic and so simple that it can seem 'plain' or ordinary, when in reality it is among the most extraordinary knowledge we can obtain. I came across a general conference talk by Donald L. Hallstrom, in April 2016, entitled, "I Am a Child of God." https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2016/04/i-am-a-child-of-god?lang=eng. This statement at the beginning of his talk had a profound impact on me. "Recently, I was in a meeting with Elder Jeffrey R. Holland. In teaching the principle that mortal life can be agonizing but our hardships have eternal purpose—even if we do not understand it at the time—Elder Holland said, “You can have what you want, or you can have something better.”

I will share with you, my limited perspective (both in words and pictures) about the happenings, agonizing and hardships of our lives over the last several months.

Jocelyn~has been at BYU-Provo. She has been experiencing many "new" and "firsts!" Working, classes, friendships, and living away from home. With this comes discovering oneself and applying all that has been learned to this point (for both of us)- especially her foundation of the gospel of Jesus Christ. She has done so well, but i also never sugar coat. The struggle has been real too (for her and me). I miss being around her. If i could fit into her schedule (and pocket) and be there with her, i'd do it in a heartbeat. :) Emotionally and financially it's been a struggle for her--it often brings me to tears because i can't do much, except for pray. She doesn't have a vehicle to get around. *sigh*. She definitely gets her exercise walking everywhere. She swims and does yoga too. She also never complains about what she doesn't have. A very grateful heart. I have always read her like a butterfly. She's quiet, still, graceful and beautiful. There have been times i have seen her spread her wings and just be...but there are times i still see her struggling to escape her cocoon. In observing, she faces loneliness and sometimes forgets (as do i) who she is. I see it in her countenance, her behavior and demeanor, and the things she says. She has such a strong testimony and grasp on the gospel- yet as we 'know', there is an opposition in all things (2 Nephi 2:11). I am so proud of 'who' she {already} is and what she has overcome. I love following her on Facebook and Instagram. She shares her knowledge, testimony and love of the gospel. I love that she uses that as a platform for WHO SHE IS. She loves music and movies. She applies lines and lyrics to life often. My favorite this Christmas is that she is home with us and it has been good for all of us. We still aren't without the struggle, but having her here has done my heart good. Overall, she did well on her finals, her classes, work and calling at church this semester. Next semester she'll continue with Arabic (Linguistics major), and some incredible Book of Mormon courses. She's looking to change the world...I look forward to watching it happen!

Jayton~is finally done with football. I know he doesn't like hearing me say that, but it was tough watching him overcome the struggles with it. It's a long season and i live every emotion with him. He carries himself so very well. If you remember, he wasn't even going to play football this year, but in the end felt he should. Football has become more about what Jayton has discovered and revealing WHO HE IS. He may not see it this way, but i do. He has such great character and integrity. I love his fight and grit. Sports has a way of revealing who we are and i'm proud of what i see in him. In the end, they took state. Wahoo! He also had some struggles with a specific teacher. He observed that she didn't like him. She would roll her eyes and always seem annoyed with him. Anybody who really knows Jayton, knows he's chilled and gets along with anybody. If you're tardy 5 or more times they give you a 'yellow' card. It means you go to detention and we as parents are notified. We were notified. He said he tried to explain that it wasn't his fault, but they wouldn't believe him. So, i decided to take action and go talk to the dean of students. I expressed that not all teenagers are trouble makers and that if you want to trust them you need to listen to them. I reminded him that Jayton tried to take care of this on his own, but 'they' wouldn't listen. Jayton is such a well behaved young man, who is honest. Long story short, we were able to take care of it. I'm a vigilant person- so i keep a good eye out. He's an excellent student with good grades. He cares about his family, the lost and lonely at school/church. I love watching him interact with people, even a 9 y/o neighbor boy who still comes over and asks if Jayton can play. He'll go throw the football, ride bikes/scooters, etc. Jett gets the best of Jayton too. Jayton loves being with friends. He's probably the most social, and the most serious of all my children. He worries about his siblings. He'll mention different things to me from time to time. He expresses his opinions about who wants to date them, how people treat them, etc. He enjoys dating, but doesn't allow himself to get distracted...much. :) Jayton received his patriarchal blessing this year. Nothing short of divinely extraordinary. Wonderful experience. I was glad to have the pressure off of me. This blessing came from the Lord, not me. Haha! As much as we enjoy sports and being active, he needs to know HE IS MORE... I desperately want him to know that he is MORE than the sports he plays. It's tough at this age. It'll continue to be my prayer and mission for him. He does want to get a scholarship in either track/field or volleyball. If athletics is the avenue the Lord has prepared for him, we are glad to support. This next year will be a more specific and fine-tuned focus on helping him prepare for a mission.

Jori~has had a tough, yet very solid semester. She has taken on Seminary, all honors classes and advanced extracurricular classes with great excitement. She was inducted into the National Honors Society. She also played volleyball and has served diligently in her callings at church. She served as secretary for almost a year with the Mia Maids. She currently has a calling as a ward family history consultant. She has been so influential and dedicated with it. With all that she faces, she has such a cheerful and joyful spirit. She is diligent in her studies, both in church and at school. My struggles with her are helping her balance her time and energy so she doesn't become overwhelmed. Helping her keep it simple without diminishing her tenacity, dedication and efforts. She wants to be really good at anything and everything. It's a worthy way to live, however with that comes the pitfall of NOT being good enough. She too needs to know that SHE IS {infinitely} MORE than what SHE DOES. Being more concerned about what God feels about her. She is so kind and a peacemaker in our home. She is quick to recognize the struggles within our home and typically the first to give hugs, kind and encouraging words. She is easy to read. When she's down, stressed or experiencing joy- i can always tell. She is still a very inquisitive young lady. If she doesn't understand something she'll ask questions until she understands- it doesn't matter the forum. I LOVE this about her. She takes such good care of her siblings, they are her best friends! Her and Jerika have always shared a room and i love watching their relationship blossom. She has grand goals. As of today she wants to go into sports therapy. She feels she can have significant influence in the world! She's right!

Jett~is enjoying this year. He loves being in Jr. High and having different classes to go to. He doesn't do well with most change, but this he loves! His favorite this year is P.E. Surprise, surprise! He's such a cool kid. Really, kids love being around him. He gets high-fives and 'what's up dude?' a lot. Jett makes us laugh. He is adorable and girls always have a crush on him. He handles it well and most of the time he's totally unaware. I love that Jett has his own lingo. He'll use phrases that have modern day slang. Like when you want to express that you're surprised or excited for somebody--we'll say, "No way!" but, he'll say, "Get wrecked! That's beast!" He enjoyed playing organized football this year for the first time-however the only thing offered at the school was flag. He was happy with it. He 'barely' made the team. They said he was still kinda small, but had the biggest heart. I {really} did respond with, "Well- then he's your secret weapon!" Such a fun athlete. He too will learn and discover things about himself because of athletics. He practices volleyball, football with his big brother already and this year he'll do Jr. High track and field. He mentioned to me that he doesn't think he wants to do 'high jump.' I said i was okay with that, but wanted to know why. His reply, "I could never be AS good as Jayton or Jori." It about broke my heart to hear that. It was however a necessary teaching moment. He loves his brother so much and wants to be just like him, but in his mind, afraid he'll fall short. Uh-oh that's a trap! Satan wants us to compare, compete and ultimately cause contention. It can't start with innocent experiences like this. Our divine identity and ability is so much deeper. He has served as the secretary in his Deacons Quorum and currently as 1st Counselor. I've observed that he loves to serve and have fun. It's a sweet feeling watching him pass the Sacrament. He's so reverent. Our new Stake President sat in our meeting one Sunday- and asked if the young man in the long-purple tie was mine. I said yes- he then edified him and told me how much he appreciated his reverence and demeanor. Great soul!

Jerika~is growing in so many different ways. This year was the first year I haven't seen her as my baby. She is a strong and fully capable of doing & being so many things on her own. She is patient with me, because she is the youngest and doesn't get the opportunities to DO things, yet. I keep reminding her that because she's the youngest she'll get 'spoiled' when everybody else is out of the house. She loves gymnastics. I don't have her in a program, but she loves trying new things. As of today, she wants to be a cheerleader. Believe it or not without any verbal influence on my part, she absolutely loves it. I loved dancing most, she loves the tumbling most. I thought i taught her everything i knew...until this, "Mom, can you show me how to do a back handspring?" Sorry sweets. Haha! She's still quiet, observant and humble. Some would dismiss who she is by saying she's 'shy.' I've never liked that description because it let's people off too easy--both the person labeling and the person being labeled. She is much more, she's just careful how she expresses it. For example, she wants so badly to 'be' a cheerleader, however when I observe her with friends who enjoy these same things...she just watches them. She doesn't participate. I don't know if she's afraid to 'be' that person or just being a great friend and validating their talents. It's quite fun for me to try and figure her out. Of all my children, i get to spend the most time with her. The way i've always looked at is...if my kids 'have' to go to school, i want to be a part of it too. I will go into more detail later, but i was working as an aide for 2 hours a day at her school- and when she broke her collarbone (diving for a ball) i got to spend all day in her classroom for a few weeks helping with dictation. It was awesome. I went to school to be a teacher and over the years i've loved learning what that role/gift really means and how to apply it. A month ago i accepted a new job at the elementary school and now get to see her throughout the whole day. She's a kind soul with much ambition. I thoroughly enjoy watching her on her journey.

Michelle~I have discovered that I can self-destruct in 0 to 10 seconds quite regularly. I am very attuned to my feelings and emotions, however the struggle is deciphering them, controlling them and letting them empower, not paralyze me. I know (with my head) that our experiences are for our good, but again the struggle is continuing in faith and remembering that our "hardships have eternal purpose." I love these scripture versus in Doctrine and Covenants 122:7-9.

7. And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.

8. The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?

9. Therefore, hold on thy way, and the priesthood shall remain with thee; for their bounds are set, they cannot pass. Thy days are known, and thy years shall not be numbered less; therefore, fear not what man can do, for God shall be with you forever and ever.

As I mentioned earlier, I accepted a new job in November. I am the elementary kitchen manager. Those of you who know me, know I love both being in a kitchen (my favorite place in our home) and having some say in children's nutrition and lives. I was approached with the offer and although I was excited about it, there were some aspects of it I didn't agree with. Plus, it was more hours and responsibility. Remember- I am a people and situation observer, so I had long before witnessed things I felt needed some attention that I lock away in my mind (if ever given the opportunity to do something about it). I did my part in studying it out, praying for direction and understanding, and negotiating and being very open with the district school board. I needed them to understand that I value my time. I didn't realize however, that taking on this job would also be a tender mercy for our family. Justin was laid off from his job (of only a year and a half) this month (December). It was unexpected and once again unjustly delivered. Great company- great people, however as we know all mens hearts will be tried and sometimes they'll (unfortunately) succumb to greed and dishonesty. I've had many sleepless nights to think about this experience and once again, as hard as it has been, I feel great peace. Maybe because it's a hardship that's solvable. What is most meaningful to me during this hardship are the opportunities for growth. I distain these freely given opportunities, however I know they are for my good. So I go through it- AND it's the going through it CHEERFULLY- that stumps me every time. This isn't unfamiliar territory for us. This is our lot and I'm working on not being weary, but cheerful and embracing it for its opportunities. Character and Integrity have always been important to me- so although we have to deal with financial burdens {again}--Justin can also {once again} walk away with his head held high and with a clean conscience. We've learned to put our trust in God (many times), but what's hardest is putting our trust in man and giving them the opportunities too. They've let us down, but remembering we've trusted God first- we know He'll lead us along. I believe the Lord sees our reactions to situations and this prepares us for other things He can rely on us for in the future. I feel that the last several years the Lord has been preparing him/us for something specific. Whether it be for this life, eternity or both. Elder Hallstrom continues with this,

"In real life, we face actual, not imagined, hardships. There is pain—physical, emotional, and spiritual. There are heartbreaks when circumstances are very different from what we had anticipated. There is injustice when we do not seem to deserve our situation. There are disappointments when someone we trusted failed us. There are health and financial setbacks that can be disorienting. When difficult things occur in our lives, what is our immediate response? Is it confusion or doubt or spiritual withdrawal? Is it a blow to our faith? Do we blame God or others for our circumstances? Or is our first response to remember who we are—that we are children of a loving God? Is that coupled with an absolute trust that He allows some earthly suffering because He knows it will bless us, like a refiner’s fire, to become like Him and to gain our eternal inheritance?"

I was seeking a renewal I so desperately needed after a difficult few weeks. His words and music help begin to refill my spiritual reservoir. I'm listening to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir sing "If the Way Be Full of Trial, Weary Not," as i type this morning. Very significant.

If the way be full of trial, weary not;
If it's one of sore denial weary not;

If it now be one of weeping,

There will come a joyous greeting,

When the harvest we are reaping, weary not

CHORUS

Do not weary by the way

Whatever be thy lot

There awaits a brighter day

To all, to all who weary, weary not

If the way be one of sorrow, weary not;
Happiness will be the morrow, weary not;

Here we suffer tribulation,

Here we must endure temptation,

But there'll come a great salvation, weary not;

If misfortunes overtake us, weary not;
Jesus never will forsake us, weary not;

He will leave us never, never,

From His love there's naught can sever,

Glory to the Lamb forever, weary not

We continue to serve in all capacities. Justin hasn't gotten a civilian job yet, but he has some great/positive leads. Hopefully we don't have to move (for my two older kids sake), but I KNOW whatever happens, it'll work out for our good. Oh- and he was (one of 3) soldiers nominated from his brigade here in AZ as a "Best Warrior." He'll get to compete on a physical/mental level in California in the Spring. This competition is Army wide (includes active, reserves and national guard). Not sure if he'll have the time to put forth for studying for the board or preparing physically because of our situation, but his spiritual, mental and physical capabilities say something about WHO HE IS and others see it. He didn't know anything about this competition before. 

He's officially a military policeman with reserves-training for CID. He's gone often for training, but enjoys learning. He was serving as Scout Master in our church for the BSA for about 8 months in this new ward, but was called as YM President when he returned from a training in September. Specifically he works with 16-18 year olds. He always worries about the 'lack of time' he has to offer our family and his callings, but serving comes in all shapes and sizes. I'm still serving in Primary as the 1st Counselor (over Cub scouts). We just finished our first year in this new ward. Huge primary with tons more growth in the near future. I love it! I love having the opportunity of sharing/reminding children who they are. I had the opportunity a few months back at the elementary school I work at. An 11 year old girl asked me if I believed in {a} God. While being careful about how I answered, it was a beautiful opportunity.

The closing testimony of Elder Hallstrom fits perfectly here. 

"We live in a world that can cause us to forget who we really are. The more distractions that surround us, the easier it is to treat casually, then ignore, and then forget our connection with God. The Saints in Liberia have little materially, and yet they seem to have everything spiritually. What we witnessed that day in Monrovia was a group of sons and daughters of God who knew it! In today’s world, no matter where we live and no matter what our circumstances are, it is essential that our preeminent identity is as a child of God. Knowing that will allow our faith to flourish, will motivate our continual repentance, and will provide the strength to “be steadfast and immovable” throughout our mortal journey."

-Michelle